The last 24 hours have been rough. Depression crept up with her friend anxiety. They started throwing low blows and hard punches that left me exhausted. I have not been successful with the self pleasure. Watched some videos that wouldn’t be counted as porn but wouldn’t be too far off either.
Part of me wonders if I even really want this. Hopefully that is just weakness talking. Things will get better.
This is a difficult time. These last ten minutes have been brutal. Just want to temptations, urges, and desires to stop. Will not self pleasure. Will not look at porn. The body will just have to be angry about it. The headaches, emotions, anger, and frustration are coming. There is no doubt about that. Just going to keep holding on. It won’t be this bad forever. Let us call this day one, shall we.
Maybe I haven’t looked in the right places, but it amazes me how many programs, books, pod-casts, people, and groups talk about porn addiction as if it is only a problem for men. True, this addiction is probably found among men more than women, but it is not an exclusive issue. Of course some programs and such are man centered just like some, very few, are female centered. Men and women are very different. It just seems that women kind of get left out of helpful material for this issue. In my opinion there needs to be more diversity. Maybe I am wrong. I certainly am not above failure. Just a thought.
If you know of any good material or anything that is well diversified or good for women, please share. It could be very helpful at this point. Thanks!
If talk of homosexuality is difficult for you to handle then please use caution when reading this post. It is not extremely blatant, but I don’t want to be what trips anyone up. We never know what people are dealing with, and I just don’t want to cause any problems for anyone. Also, in no way do I ever intend to be offensive with my words. That is not and never will be the goal. I am just expressing my thoughts in the best way that I can. This post contains mention of being transgender, and is quite lengthy. It could probably be called a rant. Just pretend that someone who has felt tortured for some time threw all of her thoughts and feelings on her blog. That is what you have in this post.
There is no way I am prideful enough to think that any one has been at a loss due to my absence from blogging here lately. I have a lot to say now.
As for the porn and the self pleasure, totally went off the deep end. Not sure if the strengthening of the depression influenced the porn and such or if it was the other way around. Either way, I am back and ready to try again. Eventually it has to stick.
When I first started with the porn, my pastor and I had a conversation about it. Before his salvation, he dealt with a powerful porn addiction and still struggles as a human being now. He warned me that if it were not brought under control, I would deal with many other issues in the future. One struggle that he mentioned was that of homosexuality.
At the time I thought he was a little out there. At the time I had only been attracted to men, straight men at that. Fast forward almost four years later, and he was right. It started out with my being attracted to homosexual men a little. Today, I am rarely attracted to straight men. My preference is a more feminine man and if he is gay he is even better. I also find myself attracted to women. I have even been accused of being gay. There was even a very intense time in which I wondered if I was transgendered. That is basically at bay now but there are still times that I absolutely hate my body and see it as more masculine than feminine.
I don’t think I am actually gay. The body and the mind are interesting. Whatever we feed our bodies or minds is what they will want more of. If I feed my mind and body perversion, it will hunger for perversion. So naturally, my mind and body are perverted. Porn has perverted my way of thinking. For some time now I have been struggling with these feelings. For so long I have been taught that God is against homosexuality. There will be those who disagree with that idea. In recent times I have really questioned the truth in that. I think that God is against it. As much as it would thrill me to believe that He is ok with it, I can’t believe that. That being said, I now need to deal with these feelings. I hope that as the body and mind are given Holy things that desires will become correct again.
My flesh is afraid. What if there will never be satisfaction? What if somehow I marry some big, strapping, straight man, who is very “vanilla” and I will be the wife laying there taking whatever he gives? There in no way will be satisfaction in that. My flesh is to be crucified though. So in reality, it doesn’t matter. I don’t believe that God will leave me alone. I know that He will satisfy me. But my flesh is angry about this idea. It is twisted. I know. But it is the reality at the moment.
Another part of me is afraid that this will change. In the past, different issues were thought wrong and are now essentially acceptable. For example, fifty years ago, divorce was truly seen as a sin. Today, it is widely accepted. I still think that an un-Biblical divorce is a sin. What happens, if fifty years from today, homosexuality is seen as completely acceptable? That certainly won’t change God’s perspective on it. That seems to be the direction we are headed. I want children. But I don’t want to be the hypocritical Mom that tells her children that homosexuality is wrong, while trying not to check out the other Moms. That kind of makes me never want to have children.
I want to be married. I want love and certainly don’t want to be alone. At what cost does all that come? I think these desires are part of what has made me search for love and approval in other places. Guys don’t want me. I can’t fulfill them in many ways. Society doesn’t want me. I am not normal and don’t do well socially. Peers don’t want me, because again, not very normal over here. The only man I have ever loved stormed out of my life and rejected me. I thought that maybe a woman would understand. Many times I even have convinced myself that God doesn’t love me. I have failed to remember though that it is sin He hates and me He loves. It doesn’t feel like love when a Father tells His child no, but in reality the Father knows best.
I feel messed up, destroyed,broken, dirty, and lost. The path back to living right will be hard. I have spent much time in the last month viewing gay related videos, listening to the music, and falling in love with the lifestyle. I know that the flesh will be very angry. It will flare up. I will wonder why in the world this is all even necessary. I wish it could be both ways. Can’t I have what I want and still live a Biblical lifestyle? God’s desires are more important than mine though. As much as this is going to hurt, I need to do what is right.
I think somehow, being a homosexual would answer a lot of my questions. I have always been different and have wondered what is wrong with me. I don’t think there is anything wrong with homosexuals. I just think that being gay would give me an answer to why I am what I am.
One thing I can’t get over is how much I have fallen in love with a particular gay, male singer. He is flamboyant. He is loud. He is confident and oh so proud. I want that. I want to be able to spit in the face of the haters and be proud and sure of who I am instead of cowering in a corner somewhere. I want to be as strong and as amazing as that guy is. It almost feels like he has somehow held me together during the worst parts of the depression. I know though that I have only fallen in love with an image. He is an actor. He puts on the make up and costumes, but that isn’t really him. It is hard to believe that though. He is a wonderful fantasy, but he just isn’t very real. Now his music must go, or at least the parts with the homo erotic lyrics.
I am so afraid that these feelings, thoughts, and desires will always be here. Just writing all this has made me tired. I want to wake up and this all be gone. More importantly though, I am so afraid that I have gone to far. How do I know that God has not turned me over to a reprobate mind? How do I know that it isn’t too late? My goal is to allow God to fulfill me and to give me the love I have been searching for. This is going to be difficult. It is going to hurt. Crucifying the flesh is never easy. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of living a lie. For a long time I thought it was living to the expectations of others, and maybe some of it is. But it should be living to the expectations of God. He expects me to live for Him, to do what He says, and to love Him above all others and all else. If that is what He desires, He will make it possible.
If you actually made it all the way to the end, thanks for reading. It is a hugely jumbled mess, but it needed to come out. It probably doesn’t all make sense, and I probably sound a little crazy. But this is my reality at this moment. So from this point on, the goal is to reject the flesh and pursue the Spirit.
At this point, my brain is really trying to decide why in the world porn is even such a big deal. It isn’t hurting anybody. It makes me feel good. Few people know about it. What is the problem?
There are several problems. If I cannot walk away from something external, it controls me. No one wants to constantly be controlled.
As a Christian, this is not good behavior to engage in.
This is not something I would want for other people. Why would I accept it in my own life?
I believe that porn creates illogical and unrealistic thoughts. That is not cool.
I want to be free.
So, regardless of how I may be feeling physically at this moment, I can’t continue with behavior that may be damaging. Life is important, and I should be living it.
No one wins all the time. Last night I did participate in self pleasure. There was no porn involved and I made sure to keep my mind clean. It was purely physical stimulation. I really thought it would help take the edge off, but it actually seems to have made things worse. Now the drive is more intense than it was before I committed this act. It is frustrating but certainly not a reason to give up. Today has actually been fairly easy as a trip to town was made. That was an all day event. The trip was draining, maybe that means at bed time the body will only desire sleep. Keeping thoughts at bay has been a huge challenge the last four days. Thoughts of previously viewed material plus my own mix of perverted thoughts has really made life difficult. Being busy and remembering to breathe have been essential the last few days.
Day three was not a complete fail and I see no reason to start the count over. If someone takes a wrong turn in their car, they don’t go all the way back to the beginning of their journey. They just keep moving toward the intended destination. So onward! Day four is almost over. Sleep is calling my name. In the mean time, I must be careful not to cough or sneeze too hard. 🙂
Day two ended well. Day three started out kind of strangely. In the past attempts to give up porn and self pleasure, I would rarely dream about the two. Last night though, I dreamed of both. Even in my dream, I was being reminded that I need to stop. This is not acceptable. We are making changes. The dream really made me wake up feeling frustrated in several senses.
Last night I started to feel very antsy and irritated. My flesh does not like being told what to do. Oh well, it must grow accustomed because this is our life now. Keeping busy is very helpful. My job requires me to be inside my house working alone quite often. Though it is occurring to me as this is being typed that I could move to a more public place to do my work. Ear buds can be used to block out excess noise and I can work without fear of temptation.
Right now the biggest stumbling block are my thoughts. To keep it brief, I must get control of this aspect of my life if porn and self pleasure are going to go away. There is a general belief that men have a stronger sex drive, are more visually stimulated, and have a more intense sexual thought life than women. If men are worse than I am, I would hate to be a man. Though maybe that would be even more fun, but for the sake of this particular addiction, being a woman probably isn’t a bad thing. That is not saying this is easy for a woman. I believe that men may grow addicted to something because of physical reasons while women may be more addicted to something for emotional reasons. I am no scientist or psychologist, but these are my thoughts.
There is absolutely a physical withdrawal period for both genders though. Mine is starting. Going to bed and hiding from everything sounds really great at this point, but this can be done. I can win, and you can win. We can do this, one day at a time.
Thanks to those who have followed and commented. So far, being able to write my feelings and connect with others has been very helpful. Thanks again.
By now it is nearly five here. The day is mostly gone. These last hours will slowly melt away. Just hoping for smooth sailing the rest of the day. I can feel my body beginning to wonder where are normal dose of happy is. Really tired and just want to go to bed. One moment at a time. This can be done.
Last night, as per usual, I got into bed. How disappointing to realize that self control would need to be employed. The normal actions of bedtime would need to be avoided. That was annoying, disappointing,and challenging. Overall, it wasn’t really that bad. Past experience says that the next few days and couple of weeks will be the worst. Headaches, emotions, and frustration will soon become a part of the picture. If I can only remember that these things must be endured for just a short time, maybe I can handle it. It is not permanent. Will there always be a struggle? Maybe. The future cannot be seen. Who knows what next year, or twenty years, or even tomorrow will look like. Like anything else in life, this too must be approached one day and one difficulty at a time. Bring on the beginning of day two!
Day one became a little more difficult. An emotional and strenuous conversation was held with my Dad. That always makes me want to turn to something to numb the emotions. Sometimes though emotions must just be dealt with. Dad is very wise. Some changes need to be made. Just want to soak up some of that wisdom.
The Daily Battle 